DATING ADVICE FROM THE ARMED LIBERAL

39 Comments

So Tenacious G (my sweetie) and I went out for our pre-Valentine’s Day dinner last night. We have the boys Friday, and it’ll be a zoo everywhere, so we went to our favorite neighborhood bistro and had a nice dinner together.
Which was slightly spoiled by the conversation at the next table. I’m usually pretty good at filtering, and too polite to acknowledge that I’m eavesdropping (or reading your mail upside down on your desk), but this was just too much, in every sense of the word.
It was a first date. He was (from the conversation) about my age, but overweight, balding, and with a sunlamp tan and a ponytail…a combination that I can’t imagine the ladies could resist. I’m commenting on his physical attributes (actually more his ‘presentation’ of them) because they meshed so well with the personality that he displayed at dinner.
I kept one eye on my watch for a bit and at one point he talked over three minutes without stopping. I think she said about ten words in the entire hour and a half that we were there, and the conversation from their table never stopped.
They (he, actually) discussed Iraq. He’s against it, but he would have gone to Canada if his lottery number had come up during Vietnam and would personally drive his son to Canada today (in his Ferrari) if he was in any danger of serving in the military. We can’t invade Iraq, he explained, because we haven’t defeated Al Quieda, and we haven’t made a settlement between the Israelis and Palestinians. Once we do those things, he’d be open to considering it if it was OK with the U.N.
I have a discussion on his points over at Winds of Change.
He discussed work. He’s apparently a prosecutor, and he discussed how unfair the laws that he is sworn to enforce are, and how he practices his own form of ‘jury nullification’ on cases that he thinks are just unfair.
He discussed (at painful length) his divorce, his lack of a relationship with his children, and his dysfunctional dating history.
He discussed his cars (a 70’s Ferrari, a 60’s Porsche, and a new BMW).
He discussed dancing, and the kind of music he likes. He went on a long riff about ‘the sensuality of just moving your body to music’…i.e. he dances like a white guy.
So in 90 minutes, he did a kind of miniature ‘Biography Channel’ special on himself.
There are so many problems here…
Look, I’ve never been a ‘playa’, but I’ve certainly dated a bunch (TG would say ‘more than a bunch’) and met a bunch of neat women (even married a couple). I’ve given some dating advice to my sons and to my more relationship-challenged friends (male and female, showing that they’ll take advice from anybody). But it was all I could do not to turn around in my chair last night and go “Stop. Stop now. Ask her something about herself, and let her complete her answer. Explore her interests. Hand her the keys to the conversation, because believe me at the rate this is going you aren’t going to be getting any tonight.”
So let me offer some dating advice to my fellow middle-aged divorced guys:
Shut the fuck up.
Don’t try and ‘sell’ yourself, it’s boring and ineffective. Help her sell herself, and in doing so you’ll sell yourself far more effectively than you could otherwise.
Don’t inventory your possessions, inventory your passions.
Don’t recount, in real-time, the story of your failed prior relationships.
Don’t talk down your exes.
Basically, don’t assume that you’re the only interesting person in the room.
And lose the damn ponytail.

39 thoughts on “DATING ADVICE FROM THE ARMED LIBERAL”

  1. After-Dinner Thoughts

    I just had the Valentines Dinner From Hell (not really, actually a wonderful dinner with my SO), and was confronted by bad dating habits (check out Armed Liberal for my comments and recommendations on middle-aged

  3. How To Meet Chicks

    Sour Bob’s post soliciting suggested opening lines gets me thinking … is it really so difficult for men to meet women? Having never been a single male, I don’t know.

  5. this advice 100% works both ways… my dad has regaled me with tales of the numerous dates he’s been on, where within half an hour he knows:
    -how many men she’s slept with, and how she liked to do it
    -why she ended each of her previous relationships
    -how long it’ll be before she expects him to pop the question, and wether or not she wants any kids
    there are some who might argue that these can be valid conversational topics, but i don’t think they’re ever appropriate on a first date.

  6. I think it might have been Sex in the City that nailed the phrase “emotionally slutty” – I’m liking that for oversharing on the first date.

  7. Just wanted to note–this line is absolutely brillaint:
    “Help her sell herself, and in doing so you’ll sell yourself far more effectively than you could otherwise.”
    Exactly. Yes.

  8. Hey, this is completely off topic, so I appologize. I’ve read your review on Isaiah Berlin’s book “The Roots Of Romanticism” (log entry in May 2002), and I was wondering if you could help me with something. The thing is: I speak spanish, and I have a translated copy of that book, and I think there’s a huge mistake of translation in the spanish version. I have no way of checking the original one, so I’m asking you, if it’s not too much trouble, to take your copy and transcribe for me a few lines. Is that possible?
    What I need is this: In chapter five, “Unbridled Romanticism”, Berlin comments on Plato’s dialogue called Ion; it must be around page 100 in the inglish version. If you can’t find it, check under “Plato” on the index compiled by Douglas Matthews at the end (p. 163). Could you send me the paragraph by e-mail? Maybe some of the lines or words? Please?
    I’m really sorry for all the trouble. I thank you either way.

  9. Excellent advice to all dating men.
    Hell, this is excellent advice for anyone seeking CONVERSATION.
    I’ll be linking this…..over at my temporary residence (www.jonielectric.com)

  12. How insightful! The advice applies to both genders, for sure. And guys, ditch the ponytail–especially if you’re balding. :S

  14. The real question everyone should be asking is how anyone could afford cars like that on a prosecutor’s income. High probability the guy is either lying or should be investigated.

  15. There is a famous quote by an 1880’s English woman who said, “After I had lunch with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the most interesting man in England. After I had lunch with Mr. Disraeli I thought I was the most interesting woman in England.” Guess which gentleman had a reputation as a ladykiller.

  16. Of course it’s entirely appropriate for prosecutors to decline to prosecute cases they think are unfair. The only reason we tolerate laws that make a huge plurality (majority?) of Americans into nominal “criminals” is that we know prosecutors won’t pursue the cases that seem unfair or silly.

  17. Any prosecutor who thinks the incredibly limited resources of any prosecutor’s office are going to enforce “incredibly unfair laws” apparently can only be entrusted with prosecuting the most marginal cases.

  18. That was very funny. Good advice. Sort of Dr Phil-ish in its obviousness yet you’d be surprised how many people just don’t get it, or can’t follow item number one.
    My absolute favoite show is “Blind Date” the guys on there are constantly trying too hard and bragging about their pathetic lives. But it makes for great TV, especially since you can’t be frustrated by your temptations to interject.
    Nice story.

  20. Bald guys with ponytails, ugh! The only thing worse is bald guys with mullets, or bald guys who mousse their remaining wisps into new wave spikes.
    But the absolute most ridiculous thing I ever saw was a bald black guy with dreadlocks. Dude looked like the monster from _Predator II_.

  22. I received similar advice from a friend of mine a couple of years ago. “If you just shut up at the end of the evening, there’s a good chance she will sleep with you,” he said.
    I took his advice, and lo and behold, he was right! Of course – that relationship went nowhere.
    This New Year’s Eve, I was speaking with a lovely lady who was giving off some smoldering vibrations as to what she thought we should be doing.
    I realized that if I shut up right then, we could sneak into an empty room and get nekkid.
    My thought process: “I’m 29. I’ve slept with women before. And right now, this is a really good thought I have going. To be frank – I’m enjoying the sound of my voice, and I’m not quite done talking.”
    I slept alone that night – but shouldn”t I get accolades for being honest and just being myself?

  23. It is always gratifying to see first hand exactly what sort of halfwits are against the liberation of Iraq and the furthering of our safety. In this case a man whose every possession is a prop from a Pepsi ad, and who exhibits generally disassociative behavior, he cannot adapt, nor regard the situation in front of him. He is what can be called in our computer culture a ROM-brain; one who is simply unable to learn new things.

  25. Actually, the worst I’ve seen was a guy I saw in a hotel in West Palm Beach. He was bald, and instead of letting his hair grow long on one side and combing it over, he had let it grow long on the back and combed it forward. In order to ensure that it didn’t flop around he had doused it with maybe half a can of hairspray.
    When I taught school in California in the early eighties my studens referred to ponytails on anyone older than late twenties as “dork tails.”

  26. Actually, the worst I’ve seen was a guy I saw in a hotel in West Palm Beach. He was bald, and instead of letting his hair grow long on one side and combing it over, he had let it grow long on the back and combed it forward. In order to ensure that it didn’t flop around he had doused it with maybe half a can of hairspray.
    When I taught school in California in the early eighties my studens referred to ponytails on anyone older than late twenties as “dork tails.”

  27. As the great relationship counselor Chris Rock once said (I’m paraphrasing from his ’99 HBO special Bigger and Blacker):
    Women know within the first five minutes if they want to sleep with you or not. They shake your hand, look you in the eye, then they turn to their friend and say “I am gonna ____ this guy tonight. I just hope he doesn’t say anything stupid.” Fellas, don’t say anything stupid.

  28. One time at a charming little restaurant in my town I caught a date similar to that one. A pudgy, middle-aged guy and an attractive middle-aged woman, clearly on a first date, were sitting at the table next to us.
    During the course of an hour and a half, the woman got about 15 words in, not counting her (progressively less convincing as the night wore on) “oh, really?”s whenever he paused for a little ego-petting.
    The man was blathering on about himself, all “blah blah me” and “let me tell you about me” and “and then I showed that guy, I said blah blah blah” all goddamn night long.
    My boyfriend actually saw the poor woman jamming a fork into the back of her hand underneath the table.
    The funniest thing was that the man noticed neither her glassy eyed stare nor her increasing frantic efforts to deflect the conversation to something besides him and just kept going on and on and on. Seriously, the waiters noticed, and kept giving the woman compassionate glances.
    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  29. There is no such verb as “to bald.” You either have hair or you don’t.
    Partially bald guys, here’s a tip from one who is all the way there, almost: The less hair you have left, the shorter you should have it cut.

  31. Damn it, quit with the advice. You’re increasing the competition for those of us that actually do listen and care while on a date! 😉
    (Not that I think people like that guy would take the time to listen to it…)

  32. This from author Rick Dooling: There is a famous quote by an 1880’s English woman who said, “After I had lunch with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the most interesting man in England. After I had lunch with Mr. Disraeli I thought I was the most interesting woman in England.” Guess which gentleman had a reputation as a ladykiller.

  35. i think this story told me to never go for guys with ponytails and are bald,because they never shut up!thanks for the info.

  36. i think this story told me to never go for guys with ponytails and are bald,because they never shut up!thanks for the info.

  37. And don’t ever give a woman blue daisies – the wonderful color is 100% artificial. It’s like giving her plastic flowers. I know, because I learned it the hard way.

  38. Hello all! I just wanted to say hi and i wanted to know if anyone out there is interested in a date. i live in Tampa and i am totally available all nights except school nights. i am relationship challenged and i am not very good at dating, but i am willing to try.

  39. If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are.

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