Yes, you read that right. An article in the Scotsman spins a tale of high-tech intrigue…albeit possibly misdirected.
“In the wavering image of a webcam, the figures moved with the sinister intent of those whose mission is mayhem. Thank heavens “Ursula” was watching …
If the slightest possibility exists that Bruichladdich distillery on Islay is a threat to world peace, we need to know.
For it has been revealed that Ursula, a spy with the US Defence Threat Reduction Agency – “Our mission to safeguard the US and its allies from weapons of mass destruction” – has been monitoring the island distillery.
Apparently, it takes just a “tweak” – her words – in the process of making whisky and Bruichladdich could be churning out chemical weapons.”
We obviously have to look at lots of things. It may be that we’re looking at a few too many…
“Consider the most surreal scenario imaginable,” he said.
“We install webcams to show the world our whisky is distilled traditionally. The US government apparently lock on to the web images, which they think look dodgy, but we, in Islay, don’t know that yet.
“We get an e-mail from ‘Ursula’ informing us one of our webcams is faulty.
“We reply, thanking her and inquire who she is.
“She admits she’s a spy, monitoring sites that potentially produce WMD. What’s the expression? Only in America!
“It’s hilarious,” he admitted. “Mind you, we’re a sinister- looking bunch, so I can see how we might be mistaken for al-Qaeda.”
The US admitted watching the distilling process because it is similar to the manufacture of chemical weapons.
Mr Reynier said: “The original e-mail didn’t say who it was from, but my reply elicited another reply and it had the name of the Defence Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) on it.
DTRA really does exist; check out their home page.
I’m sincerely hoping this was some kind of training exercise for the monitors.
Then again, I don’t drink Scotch, so maybe it is a Weapon of Mass Destruction, instead of, as the distiller claims, “a weapon of mass drunkenness.”