Yes, you read that right. An article in the Scotsman spins a tale of high-tech intrigue…albeit possibly misdirected.

“In the wavering image of a webcam, the figures moved with the sinister intent of those whose mission is mayhem. Thank heavens “Ursula” was watching …

If the slightest possibility exists that Bruichladdich distillery on Islay is a threat to world peace, we need to know.

For it has been revealed that Ursula, a spy with the US Defence Threat Reduction Agency – “Our mission to safeguard the US and its allies from weapons of mass destruction” – has been monitoring the island distillery.

Apparently, it takes just a “tweak” – her words – in the process of making whisky and Bruichladdich could be churning out chemical weapons.”

We obviously have to look at lots of things. It may be that we’re looking at a few too many…

“Consider the most surreal scenario imaginable,” he said.

“We install webcams to show the world our whisky is distilled traditionally. The US government apparently lock on to the web images, which they think look dodgy, but we, in Islay, don’t know that yet.

“We get an e-mail from ‘Ursula’ informing us one of our webcams is faulty.

“We reply, thanking her and inquire who she is.

“She admits she’s a spy, monitoring sites that potentially produce WMD. What’s the expression? Only in America!

“It’s hilarious,” he admitted. “Mind you, we’re a sinister- looking bunch, so I can see how we might be mistaken for al-Qaeda.”

The US admitted watching the distilling process because it is similar to the manufacture of chemical weapons.

Mr Reynier said: “The original e-mail didn’t say who it was from, but my reply elicited another reply and it had the name of the Defence Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) on it.

DTRA really does exist; check out their home page.

I’m sincerely hoping this was some kind of training exercise for the monitors.

Then again, I don’t drink Scotch, so maybe it is a Weapon of Mass Destruction, instead of, as the distiller claims, “a weapon of mass drunkenness.

6 thoughts on “Bruich(hic)laddich”

  1. hells bells, folks…. you can use a straw with some speed and sudden force and put out someone’s eye… a paper straw. does that mean we should stop making them? cars have large fuel tanks …. basically they can be used as molatov cocktails on wheels and vehicles have been used that way in the past…. witness the planes on 9/11…. does that mean we should stop making them?

    or does it just mean that we have to be more aware of who our neighbors and coworkers are and what their intentions are….. i think it’s the latter.

    household chemicals and a few other things and you have a bomb or meth…

    ….. we have to exercise some common sense and we have to do a better job of raising our children to become good people. a few folks are similar born bad, but most of us can be molded and guided to be responsible caring members of our community.

  2. I’m sure Ursula thinks it’s a GREAT mission. In fact, I myself would dearly like to be employed to monitor a Scottish distillery in the company of a spy named Ursula. Oh hell, yeah.

    Where do I get this job?

  3. LOL 🙂 The DTRA is not an intelligence agency. They’re a technical agency, bringing you, among other things, the thermobaric bomb. They also sponsor research, write chem-bio defense procedures, do on-site inspections, provide technical expertise to other agencies that need it, monitor the open literature, and are probably (I dunno) an intelligence customer.

  4. Her name is Ursula. Her mission is a distillery. That’s all I need to know. Austin Powers, eat your heart out.

    “Thermobaric bombs? I’ve got a big bang right here, baby, yeah!”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.